if you only knew

my husbands family hates me. That’s ok. They’ve hated all the girls he’s been with until they split up and then they’re best friends. but we’ve been together for 20 years. I’ve taken care of him for 15 years.

his aunt has a hatred like no other for me. She’s telling my hub that she’s seen video of me sucking dick and eating pussy lol. so untrue. she told him she knows something so traumatic that she can’t tell him because he’d  kill me. lol my husband knows everything I do and everything about me.

it blows my mind how much his family hates me. I’ve done nothing but love their son, nephew etc. I’ve done nothing but love his family even tho its not mutual.

so all I  can say is…I love him. and that’s all that matters. what I do to take care of him is no ones business because no one is helping us. his whole family has turned their backs on him, BROKEN his heart INTO TINY LITTLE PIECES and they expect him to leave me? FAT FUCKING CHANCE.
Dream on….


I used to love Christmas

But without my kids,  it means nothing to me anymore…

Everyone says ” well why don’t you call them more often?  Why don’t you see them more?”

Well… Nobody understands how hard it is on us and i’m sure the kids and his mother when we call them. It takes a toll on us so hard it takes us 2 days to recover & get back to normal.  It’s heartbreaking. It kills us. We only get 2 minutes each on the phone and its really hard to have a conversation in 2 minutes.

It’s also very hard on rick that he doesn’t have a mother to love.  He understands she doesn’t like me.    But she IS his mother.  And those are our kids. He can’t stand the thought of calling only to get treated like an outcast. Mother’s should love their child.  Even if they think he took some shrimp.

They should always be there for there child no matter how many times he done things wrong or even burnt bridges.  That’s what unconditional love is… But for him,  he no longer exists.  And it’s torn him apart.  He’s not the same person anymore.  He has no one except me.

Calling the kids is the best but the following 2 days really take a toll on our mental stability… We literally are so depressed after we talk to them that it takes those 2 days to talk to each other,  cry with each other and pray together until we feel normal again. 
She told me a couple times that our kids never ask about us.  In  my opinion that’s something I would never tell my child about his kids and also when it becomes her responsibility to have them call us.

Yes I’m aware we should call them too.  But as long as she’s had them,  not once had she called us to tell us about any progress they’ve made,  if one of them gets hurt and anything else a parent should know.

My youngest broke her collar bone.  I didn’t find out until I called a week after it happened.  That was so sad that she couldn’t call her son to let him know about what happened. I didn’t find out until I called. What good is going to come from keeping his children from him?
We never get updates on their school,  she’s never given its any work from school life art work or report cards. T that’s her responsibility as a mother who cares about her s OK n. I guess that’s why none of that happens.

Live your children unconditionally. Love your grandchildren enough to do things you don’t want to do but know that it’s the right thing t OK  do.

Love your child. You’re killing his soul. You’re killing him. And in the long run, you’re hurting your grandchildren. You’re robbing them of something every child should have in their life. No matter what the circumstances are with your relationship with your child.

In the end, your hurting a lot of people because you think you’re doing what’s best. But its not best. It’s  the worst thing you could do.
Hate me forever. Hate your son forever.

But please don’t take it out on the children over some shrimp that we didn’t take. That in itself hurt her son so much that the thought of not being able to get food from his own mother that he didn’t even get.
Just love him. Let him know you love him.  You’d make his day.

Merry Christmas.  I mean that.

Children Services + Family + Friends= You’re Fucked

Yes, I was once involved with them. Yes I stupidly agreed to hand over custody to my in laws because I thought they were at least honest people. Even though I knew they hated me, I thought they had the right morals to not drag my kids in the middle of our thing. I was wrong.

If You ever get a knock on your door from children services, you do not have to answer the door, or if you did, yout Do Not have to let them in. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT.

In my case, yes I brought it on myself because of the job I had. Nothing else. But my in-laws just kept adding fuel to the fire. Your family’s answers to any question cps asks should always be “I don’t know”. In my case, my mother in law (we’ll call her Johna) told them everything she thought she knew.

When confronted about why she talked, her response was, “I’m not going to lie. I am not a liar. I will not lie for anyone”. But let me tell a story about how she doesn’t lie (unless it benefits her)…

It was close to the beginning of a new school year and Johna was  kind enough to buy my kid’s clothes for school.  I was so grateful. When she told my husband she would leave them on her porch because she was going to bed, we went to get them…

No bag of clothes.

So when got home we called her and told her they weren’t out there and she started freaking out saying someone must have stolen them.

I was so upset. One; because someone stole them but two; because SHE bought them and someone stole them. I was sad for her because I know she spent a lot of money on 3 kids for clothes. She told my husband HER ONLY CHILD, she had the whole neighborhood looking for the and called the police to file a theft report.  It sucked.

Fast forward a year later,  Johna was arguing with her sister (Becca) and she told us Johna lied. She had Becca go to her house and get the bag off her porch so she could lie and say they were stolen because she didn’t want me to get anything from her.  It didn’t hurt me. It hurt her grandkids. I cannot believe a woman of her age would stoop so low to do something like that. I’m more mature than that !!!

So she does lie. And she is a horrible person. Yes she is taking very good care of my kids but in the meantime she’s mentally abusing them by not letting us see them.
Her own son hasn’t seen his kids in a year. 
Yes,  its partly our fault because they live an hour away and we don’t have a car.  But if those are my Grandkids, I’d make sure my daughter saw her kids. Not for my daughter if I was upset with her,  but because I loved my Grandkids enough to make them happy.  Instead she would rather them forget us.

The moral to this story is  your family is more than likely the one who called cps on you and most likely the one who will be a CI for cps. Your family know the most about you so it only makes sense. Don’t talk to ANYONE while dealing with Cps.

When I was, I would intentionally say something to Johna just to see if when I saw my caseworker she would say something about it.  Sure enough.  Everytime.

I’ve tried to get close to Johna but she doesn’t forgive and forget . She hates me and that’s fine.  But she shouldn’t be taking her hatred for me out on my kids. She tells me they don’t even ask about us. I would never tell me daughter that about her kids.

My husband is heart broken that he doesn’t have a mother. I’m the one who made him revive his relationship with her because when we first got together they weren’t taking.

Big fucking mistake.  Now I know why. She ruined his future when he was 18 and now keeps his kids from him. We are only allowed to talk to them on the phone for 2 minutes each. We’re not allowed to video chat.

I feel so bad for my husband. He doesn’t show it but he’s my husband and i can see it. It kills him he doesn’t have a mother to confide in. A mother to love him unconditionally. My mom isn’t the best but she would never treat me like a piece of trash. 

You don’t have much longer on this earth. You’re more than welcome to leave a comment or call and bitch me out but I’m sure you’ll just take it out on my kids. Stop having people do your dirty work. Suck it up cowgirl.  Do it yourself.



Knowing now who my readers are makes writing here that much more enjoyable. Now I know what I say is being heard. Heard by those I done know, don’t like, don’t give a FUCK what they think, and also  those that I love. Enjoy.

Christmas is so close. The past few years have been devastating to me, I hated Xmas. But I’m getting so used to it now I have to try to enjoy it, for my oldest daughter.

“The kids don’t even ask about you guys.” That is stuck in my head and I cant for the life of me understand how someone wouldn’t make sure they DID ask about us or make sure I told them their parents love them no matter the circumstances. But I guess not everyone is like me. That sucks. The world would be such a good place if they were.

With my oldest daughter, I never ever talked bad about her biological  dad. Never. And I always made sure she knew he loved her. Even though the asshole never came to see her or did anything for her. I didn’t want to warp my baby girl’s mind. I didn’t want her to feel unloved. And I feel that’s exactly whats happening with my kids. I feel like they think we don’t love them.

I cant talk to them online. They cant have FB. They’re not allowed to video chat with us.
Its literally impossible to have a conversation with them on the phone for the allotted 2 minutes each. They live an hr away so its not easy to get out there without a car.

I’m throwing in the towel. I cant be devastated for the rest of my life because I don’t have that long of a life left. So what i do have left i have to make better so that when my kids do come back to me i am the mom they knew before they left.

We love you guys more than anything…I wish I could tell you everyday.


Shannon Gaines – Ex Crack Head…

Who falls off the wagon all the time.Bitch, I told you don’t fuck with me. You think your stupid Facebook post was bad? This one won’t go away. It’s in the search engines. So when someone looks you up, guess what?
Next time maybe you will think about saying anything about me. Taking a sad story and twisting it into something that makes YOU feel better. You’re a sad person you know? Hate me all you want. At least I’m always on your mind. Lol

Its illegal to tell someone to end their life.. its a criminal offense called incitement to suicide.

Man, crack heads are spiteful.

This bitch took my picture from my last post about a nightmare I had and used it on Fb PUBLICLY saying this is what heroin addiction looks like.


Damn shannon…
Not looking so good…


Thanks J for helping Shannon Gaines from Hilliard, Ohio do this because God knows she’s not smart enough. Hope this made you two feel better. And please, stop trying to get her to do your dirty work. I will never accept her on FB.

Ex crack head.. But she’s above me she said. Lmao

My kids will know in due time who the bad apples are. Promise.

You gave up your kids bitch. I fought for mine for 3 yrs. I didn’t have the luxury of partying for weeks on end and seeing my babies WHENEVER I WASNT HIGH like you did. Mine were taken from me with the help of my yes myself but mostly my inlaws, your family.
You will go to hell for that. What goes around comes around.



I woke up at 2:42am this morning balling my eyes out. Tears just running down my cheeks because I had a dream we were at his moms house and the adoptive parents that had Ryan brought her over.


(I took that as soon as I could see…)

When Rick held her, the way she touched his cheeks melted my heart. Her long why “why did you leave us?” She was only 6 months old in my dream.

Johnnie st up the dream visit not to be nice, just to hurt us. And it hurt so bad.

When I sat up in bed I was crying so hard I woke rick up. “What’s wrong baby, are you ok?, what’s wrong?

He was worried to death because I was crying so hard.

I don’t want to feel like that again. I’ve learned to suppress my pain and tears.

That felt just like the first day you guys went to live with them. It wasn’t supposed to be permanent. She’s in contempt. But she knows there’s nothing we can do because she won’t help rick. She likes him stuck like this, so we don’t dont disrupt the heartbeat of her household.

Her exact words.
I wanted to die.
I still do.

I can’t wait till she goes to hell. He and Dave both. An Ryli’s middle name is Rayne, not what’s on her bc..
They Fucked up. The hospital did.

Craig’s List Rental Scam

Yep. I got taken.
I’ve been homeless for 2 years and finally thought I got a place. Paid the deposit and now cannot get a hold of them. Today was my move in day.

So much for that…

Continue homelessness.